Lesson From Much-Afraid

Author’s Note: Written while incarcerated.

5/8/2023, 12:15 PM

I finished “Hind’s Feet on High Places,” by Hannah Hurnard this morning. I don't think I have ever longed for a book to continue like this one. Reading the book this time through was such an awakening experience. Never have I seen myself so clearly in Much-Afraid’s journey. God opened my eyes to so many truths as I made my way through the pages.

Chief of all, is the realization that God is not particularly interested in fixing all my problems and shortcomings. In fact, that has been my problem all along. I have often gone to him with this shortcoming or that sin and asked him to fix me. And while he has, from time to time, addressed my perceived need; I've never been able to experience real victory. That's because his call is much greater. He doesn't want this or that from me; he wants all of me—a total transformation—a new me!

I realized last night that what he has been calling me to, is total surrender.

Throughout my life, I have surrendered some of every area of my life to Him, but I've never given all of any area of my life to him. I have always withheld parts of my will, my marriage, my children, my finances, my dreams, and so much more. What He has been calling me to all along is to offer myself in sacrifice to him. He has given me a new name - a new identity. And while I have taught and preached about it, I have never allowed him to actually work the change in me that would allow me to grow into my new name.

The first step for me is surrendering my will.

This is hard for me. I've attempted it before.

After failure in the past, I have thrown my hands up and declared, “This is impossible!”

Well not anymore! I will surrender my will daily - as many times a day as necessary - until my will has been replaced by his.

I have lamented about my addiction.

I've used the addiction as an excuse for so much sinful behavior.

I've blamed God for not removing it from me. I now wonder if it is not a special love gift from God; A sharp nail that secures me to him, so that I can never want - or dare - to go it on my own again.

This will be a long journey - the rest of my life. But it's a journey that I happily embrace. I know that whatever he leads me to or through, is just the next step of my growing into my new identity. And I desperately want to grow into my new identity.

I know now why he impressed on my heart that I was a new man back in March. It's because that is what He calls me! That's what He sees in me.

My love for Him grows every day. And because I love Him, the greatest desire in my heart is to be the man He sees.

With His help, I will be that man!