Happy Birthday

Author’s Note: Written in confinement on May 15, 2023

It's my birthday - in jail - so far, so good. I expected the day to be different. Not yet…

Two hours of Bible reading, quiet time, and meditation this morning. I'm enjoying my first experiments in meditation. It feels clumsy and disjointed at times. But still, I am sensing tangible benefits. At least my mood and reaction to stress has been better. I look forward to continuing this journey into the deeper things of the Spirit.

For example, yesterday Karen and I engaged in an exchange that included Nina (a woman I had an inappropriate relationship with). That exchange continued, off and on, throughout the whole day. With me striving to remember sordid details of a specific day.

In the past, that would have always led me back into my sin-habit. This time, no such leading. In fact, the only impact it had on my mind, was a reminder to lay it down before God again and declare those memories as “sin.” After a few minutes of prayer, I fell asleep. That was different.

In fact, all of those memories seem to be powerless to me … since February 22nd actually.

I'm hesitant to mention it for fear that they will pop back up, but this is the longest I've ever gone without those memories. No memories from my sin-habit encounters chasing me. Nipping at my heels.

Glory to God! I feel free! Today is just over 11 weeks. There may be a lot of life yet before me, but this is certainly an encouraging start.

Granted, I've started this journey before; The most effective start being in May of 2018. But there is one glaring difference this time. This time I am growing spiritually by leaps and bounds.

Last time, Jesus absolutely moved in my life and swept my house clean. I even read books and discovered music that encouraged me—no, drew me—into deeper devotion and commitment to him. But I was prideful and arrogant, and believed that I had all that I needed—that I was healed.

So, in my blind wandering, I wound up placing my wife on the throne of my life. I saw her as the one I had hurt the most. While her hurt was deep and real, it was nothing compared to what I had done to my relationship with God. So, onto the throne she went.

I focused on her - Her healing, her dreams, her desires, her needs. All of this would have been appropriate, had I dealt with my relationship with God first.

At the same time, I was looking to her to give the same focus back to me. Not only did this leave me frustrated - and ultimately empty - but it left her confused. She was loving me the best that she could, which was really good, but I was looking for things that she couldn't possibly provide. Because she isn't God.

Only God could provide the environment I needed to heal and stay free from my sin habit; but I had displaced Him by putting my full focus on her. The result was nearly complete frustration for both of us. Even though we did have many, many great moments, the last few years can be best summed up as missed opportunities. If I had headed the call to seek a deeper relationship with Jesus, then both of us would have been in a place where our marriage could have reached new and higher intimacy. We could have been so much stronger.

Instead, because of the misplaced pressure that I put on my wife, and my not allowing God to work in me, we are now broken. She no longer trusts me - or even believes me. She can't see a future that includes me. And I am in jail - learning lessons that the Holy Spirit has been teaching me for five years.

As a result, I was like the man who had demons cast out of him;

But because he neglected his own spiritual growth afterwards, when the demon returned, he found the house swept and clean, so he brought seven other demons with him, and moved back into that man. And his later condition was worse than the first (Matthew 12:43-45). That was exactly my story.

This time, however, is different.

Yes, my house has been swept clean. It was left completely empty. But since then, I have diligently sought God, and He has come. He has filled - and is filling - me with truth, knowledge, and with his spirit. I am learning to lean on him like never before. He has become my everything. I no longer need my wife - or anybody else - to fill the empty space within me, because it has been filled by the Holy Spirit.

I have now finally come to a place where I can put all my loved ones in their proper place. I can now love my wife with the love she needs from me. Not that I have arrived anywhere. I'm just at a spot on a journey.

I must continue to grow. Continue to stretch, continue to be filled. Lest there be an empty space left open for my sin habit to regain a foothold. I never want to go back there.

So, it's my birthday.
Happy birthday to me!
God is good.
He loves me.
He accepts me.
He calls to me.

I answer, “Here I am, Lord, take me.”