Freedom in Confinement

Authors’ Note: Written in confinement

6/5/2023, 5:00 AM

I was already an addict when I met my wife. I didn't recognize it as addiction, but I knew I had a serious problem. While I had already tried to put that habit behind me, I certainly wasn't willing to go to jail in order to be free.

For decades, I tried all sorts of remedies - everything I could find. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always knew that true freedom was going to be costly. But I was afraid to pay the price. I was afraid of the humiliation of confession to anybody. I was afraid of my family’s hurt and anger. I was afraid of divorce. I was afraid of having to face myself alone.

But being alone was what I desperately needed. Because alone is where I would discover the manifest presence of God. Being alone, I discovered that I wasn't alone at all. God was here all along. I just kept pushing him aside.

While I absolutely didn't want to come to jail, God, in His love finally tore me out of the life that I refused to leave.

And locked up in jail, I have finally found freedom!

God has opened my eyes to see myself clearly for the first time in my life. He has opened my eyes to His Word like never before. Truth springs from every page. He is teaching me the fear of the Lord and revealing the knowledge of God. His word is sinking deep in my heart—establishing roots. And giving insight. I can sense his Holy Spirit rising within me in strength.

When I look to the future, I am confident that he will sustain me.

I am free. Period.

Free!

He has shown me the path that I must follow, and I will follow it. Stay active in twelve-step groups, get involved in a local church, serve, serve, serve, be diligent in seeking Him through his Word, prayer, and meditation, and to live simply and honor the vows I made in my youth.

I know that I will be divorced - in the eyes of the law and man - and this is the good and right thing to do. While I know that I have forsaken my marriage vow, I also know that God restores what is broken. I don't think Jesus was giving a command, I think he was stating a fact; “What God has joined together, man cannot separate.” So even though our marriage will be legally annulled, in God's eyes I will always be a married man. I realize that I might be wrong about this, and being wrong would certainly make my life easier, but until God shows me otherwise this is how I choose to live my life.

I will certainly strive to make friends in my new city, but I will strive like a married man. This will all be new to me. And I can only pray that God grant me the grace and strength to live it out. But this is my conviction. I am a married man, and I will conduct my affairs as a married man.

I'm excited and terrified by the challenges that lie before me. Living on my own for the first time in my life will be difficult. I will have to handle all of my affairs like a big boy. I am certain that I will make mistakes along the way, but I also know that God will be right there, guiding me through them to make me stronger, and to prepare me for the next challenge.

At this point, I believe that in time God will bring my wife and I back together. And we will live the life that we were supposed to live all along. But even if not, I will still go to my grave finally being faithful to God… and her.

In jail, I have found freedom!

Thank you, Father.