Letters From Confinement

This continuous reading edition gathers the full text of Letters From Confinement into a single page.

Table of Contents

• Part I - Collapse
• Freedom in Confinement
• Hope
• Guess Who I Saw Today
• Part II - Alone With God
• Whispers in the Dark
• Happy Birthday
• A Meditation in Suffering
• Part III - Honest Prayer
• A Prayer From Jail
• Another Prayer From Jail
• A Psalm From Confinement
• Part IV - The Mirror
• Confession
• Stay In your Lane
• Falling Into His Grip
• Part V - Awakening
• Lesson From Much-Afraid
• Finding the Treasure
• It's You
• Part VI - New Sight
• God is Listening
• Not So Small After All
• The Big Picture

Part I - Collapse

These opening pages are written from the underside of consequence.

Collapse is not treated here as spectacle, but as the place where illusion gives way to truth. Freedom is reconsidered. Hope is tested. Memory is no longer allowed to protect what sin has cost.

This first movement begins in confinement, but it does not begin in despair alone. It begins where many true prayers begin: when a man can no longer hide from himself and discovers that God is still there.

Freedom in Confinement

Authors’ Note: Written in confinement

6/5/2023, 5:00 AM

I was already an addict when I met my wife. I didn't recognize it as addiction, but I knew I had a serious problem. While I had already tried to put that habit behind me, I certainly wasn't willing to go to jail in order to be free.

For decades, I tried all sorts of remedies - everything I could find. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always knew that true freedom was going to be costly. But I was afraid to pay the price. I was afraid of the humiliation of confession to anybody. I was afraid of my family’s hurt and anger. I was afraid of divorce. I was afraid of having to face myself alone.

But being alone was what I desperately needed. Because alone is where I would discover the manifest presence of God. Being alone, I discovered that I wasn't alone at all. God was here all along. I just kept pushing him aside.

While I absolutely didn't want to come to jail, God, in His love finally tore me out of the life that I refused to leave.

And locked up in jail, I have finally found freedom!

God has opened my eyes to see myself clearly for the first time in my life. He has opened my eyes to His Word like never before. Truth springs from every page. He is teaching me the fear of the Lord and revealing the knowledge of God. His word is sinking deep in my heart—establishing roots. And giving insight. I can sense his Holy Spirit rising within me in strength.

When I look to the future, I am confident that he will sustain me.

I am free. Period.

Free!

He has shown me the path that I must follow, and I will follow it. Stay active in twelve-step groups, get involved in a local church, serve, serve, serve, be diligent in seeking Him through his Word, prayer, and meditation, and to live simply and honor the vows I made in my youth.

I know that I will be divorced - in the eyes of the law and man - and this is the good and right thing to do. While I know that I have forsaken my marriage vow, I also know that God restores what is broken. I don't think Jesus was giving a command, I think he was stating a fact; “What God has joined together, man cannot separate.” So even though our marriage will be legally annulled, in God's eyes I will always be a married man. I realize that I might be wrong about this, and being wrong would certainly make my life easier, but until God shows me otherwise this is how I choose to live my life.

I will certainly strive to make friends in my new city, but I will strive like a married man. This will all be new to me. And I can only pray that God grant me the grace and strength to live it out. But this is my conviction. I am a married man, and I will conduct my affairs as a married man.

I'm excited and terrified by the challenges that lie before me. Living on my own for the first time in my life will be difficult. I will have to handle all of my affairs like a big boy. I am certain that I will make mistakes along the way, but I also know that God will be right there, guiding me through them to make me stronger, and to prepare me for the next challenge.

At this point, I believe that in time God will bring my wife and I back together. And we will live the life that we were supposed to live all along. But even if not, I will still go to my grave finally being faithful to God… and her.

In jail, I have found freedom!

Thank you, Father.

Hope

“And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” —Psalm 39:7

Author’s note: This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote from jail.

Hope. Hope is a funny, elusive, cruel thing. It is the thing that sustains me. But when crushed it sometimes seems that it will kill me. And it is cruel. So cruel. And little things. It always seems to be little things.

Like the hope of free time. Free time. What an oxymoron. “If your bed is not made, you're not coming out.” There are several guards who greet us with that statement every morning. The implication is that free time is coming. That hope is dangled before us at some point every day. But when we hear that in the mornings, everyone jumps up and makes their beds. Then we wait. And we wait. 9:00. 10:00. Lunch. Then more waiting. Soon, we begin losing that hope, as the reality of another day in lockdown settles in.

Then the frustration starts kicking in. Inmates all around the cell block start screaming obscenities. Slapping, banging, kicking their doors; the sound echoing inside the concrete walls. It's deafening. It usually goes on for an hour or so.

It's what “no hope” sounds like.

And “no hope” is what defines the atmosphere in here most of the time.

So, hope? No thanks.

Tomorrow marks one month that I've been here. Two weeks since the court said I could go home.

Hope… But I'm still in jail.

It's my fault. I know that. But it's still hard. It still hurts. I'm trying to figure out how I will survive here for the year my attorney says it will take for my case to go to trial.

I've lost hope that I will be going home. I'm losing hope that I will even have a home to go home too. I fish for reasons to hope. But they are rare these days.

I’ve learned some lessons about hope. Let it go. It's a cruel taskmaster.

Hope is no longer my friend. Hope has become my greatest enemy.

But at the same time, I find that my faith is soaring. My confidence in my new life has never been stronger. I know that I am a new man, and that God is making me stronger every day. I know that spiritually I am exactly where God wants me.

And because of all that, I have hope! Hope that God is working on my behalf. That there is a place for me to go. That my case will not result in prison. That I will someday see my family again. That in time my marriage will be restored.

I know that I love my wife today more than I ever have. But I'm struggling to find hope for our future. But I have to! I can't help it. I have to hope that one day she will want me back.

So, hope? Yes! I must have hope.

I may be disappointed from time to time. I might even get crushed. But without hope what do I have? Nothing. So, I will continue to hope.

And when hope seems elusive, I will hope for more hope.

Guess Who I Saw Today

I was once challenged by the Worship Leader at a large festival to pray to God while looking into the eyes of the person sitting next to you.

What a ridiculous suggestion! We all know that the proper posture for prayer is “head bowed, eyes closed.” Right? (It was years later when I realized the fact that nowhere in Scripture are we instructed to pray with our heads bowed and eyes closed.)

I reluctantly tried to follow his challenge.

I found it uncomfortable at first. Really uncomfortable. The person I was praying with clearly felt it too.

By the conclusion of both of our prayers, some of the discomfort dissipated. But it still seemed weird. Out of place. Somehow, wrong.

But a seed had been planted. I couldn’t seem to shake this idea that there was something real about what he had led us to do.

Shortly after that, I found myself leading an evening devotional time during a Youth Mission Trip. While expounding on Jesus’ parable of the Sheep and the Goats, I came across:

“Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” —Matthew 25:40 (NIV)

Suddenly a thought came to me. The person sitting next to me was certainly counted among “the least of these brothers and sisters of mine.” Even though I didn’t personally know them, they were created in His image. He died for them. His Holy Spirit dwelt within them. So based on this verse, while I was looking into their eyes, I was — in a sense — looking into the eyes of Jesus.

The more I’ve considered this, the clearer the picture has become.

If the Holy Spirit dwells within us, then of course we can connect with that Spirit.

Jesus drove this point home when He said to Saul:

“I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. —Acts 9:5

At first look, it seemed that everyone Saul had persecuted was a living, breathing human person. But Jesus made it clear that this just was not so. These are His children. He takes what happens to them very seriously. He considers that everything that happens to them, happens to Him.

In that light, we are surrounded by Jesus every day.

When I consider that Jesus takes this so personally, it has a serious impact on how I see and treat those I share the earth with. I am slower to react. I show more grace. I refuse to judge.

I now try to take this truth with me every day.

So, guess who I saw today?

Part II - Alone With God

Confinement strips away noise, busyness, and the illusion of control.

What remains can feel unbearable at first. But solitude also becomes a place of disclosure. In the absence of distraction, the soul begins to hear what it had spent years outrunning.

These pages were shaped in that quieter place, where suffering, memory, and the presence of God met each other without pretense.

Whispers in the Dark

“LORD, see how my enemies persecute me! Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death,” —Psalm 9:13 (NIV)

6/9/2024 (Written in confinement)

O God, look upon me in mercy.

Observe and take note of how relentlessly the enemy torments me.

They continuously whisper in my ear —

Tempting me. Calling me. Reminding me of who I was. Reminding me of the “fun” of sin. Replaying past sin.

Digging pits before me. Laying stumbling blocks in my path. Showing me deceitful paths. Distracting me.

Yet You allow me to grow stronger as I trust in You.

Father, rescue me.

Remind me of the truth.

You are my fortress. You are my shelter. You are my deliverer.

You — Only You — Are my hope And my future.

Happy Birthday

Author’s Note: Written in confinement on May 15, 2023

It's my birthday - in jail - so far, so good. I expected the day to be different. Not yet…

Two hours of Bible reading, quiet time, and meditation this morning. I'm enjoying my first experiments in meditation. It feels clumsy and disjointed at times. But still, I am sensing tangible benefits. At least my mood and reaction to stress has been better. I look forward to continuing this journey into the deeper things of the Spirit.

For example, yesterday Karen and I engaged in an exchange that included Nina (a woman I had an inappropriate relationship with). That exchange continued, off and on, throughout the whole day. With me striving to remember sordid details of a specific day.

In the past, that would have always led me back into my sin-habit. This time, no such leading. In fact, the only impact it had on my mind, was a reminder to lay it down before God again and declare those memories as “sin.” After a few minutes of prayer, I fell asleep. That was different.

In fact, all of those memories seem to be powerless to me … since February 22nd actually.

I'm hesitant to mention it for fear that they will pop back up, but this is the longest I've ever gone without those memories. No memories from my sin-habit encounters chasing me. Nipping at my heels.

Glory to God! I feel free! Today is just over 11 weeks. There may be a lot of life yet before me, but this is certainly an encouraging start.

Granted, I've started this journey before; The most effective start being in May of 2018. But there is one glaring difference this time. This time I am growing spiritually by leaps and bounds.

Last time, Jesus absolutely moved in my life and swept my house clean. I even read books and discovered music that encouraged me—no, drew me—into deeper devotion and commitment to him. But I was prideful and arrogant, and believed that I had all that I needed—that I was healed.

So, in my blind wandering, I wound up placing my wife on the throne of my life. I saw her as the one I had hurt the most. While her hurt was deep and real, it was nothing compared to what I had done to my relationship with God. So, onto the throne she went.

I focused on her - Her healing, her dreams, her desires, her needs. All of this would have been appropriate, had I dealt with my relationship with God first.

At the same time, I was looking to her to give the same focus back to me. Not only did this leave me frustrated - and ultimately empty - but it left her confused. She was loving me the best that she could, which was really good, but I was looking for things that she couldn't possibly provide. Because she isn't God.

Only God could provide the environment I needed to heal and stay free from my sin habit; but I had displaced Him by putting my full focus on her. The result was nearly complete frustration for both of us. Even though we did have many, many great moments, the last few years can be best summed up as missed opportunities. If I had headed the call to seek a deeper relationship with Jesus, then both of us would have been in a place where our marriage could have reached new and higher intimacy. We could have been so much stronger.

Instead, because of the misplaced pressure that I put on my wife, and my not allowing God to work in me, we are now broken. She no longer trusts me - or even believes me. She can't see a future that includes me. And I am in jail - learning lessons that the Holy Spirit has been teaching me for five years.

As a result, I was like the man who had demons cast out of him;

But because he neglected his own spiritual growth afterwards, when the demon returned, he found the house swept and clean, so he brought seven other demons with him, and moved back into that man. And his later condition was worse than the first (Matthew 12:43-45). That was exactly my story.

This time, however, is different.

Yes, my house has been swept clean. It was left completely empty. But since then, I have diligently sought God, and He has come. He has filled - and is filling - me with truth, knowledge, and with his spirit. I am learning to lean on him like never before. He has become my everything. I no longer need my wife - or anybody else - to fill the empty space within me, because it has been filled by the Holy Spirit.

I have now finally come to a place where I can put all my loved ones in their proper place. I can now love my wife with the love she needs from me. Not that I have arrived anywhere. I'm just at a spot on a journey.

I must continue to grow. Continue to stretch, continue to be filled. Lest there be an empty space left open for my sin habit to regain a foothold. I never want to go back there.

So, it's my birthday. Happy birthday to me! God is good. He loves me. He accepts me. He calls to me.

I answer, “Here I am, Lord, take me.”

A Meditation in Suffering

“Because for Your sake I have borne reproach; dishonor has covered my face.” —Psalms 69:7

O God, this isn’t about me at all. It is about You. It has always been about You. You alone.

How could I think that any of this was for me? All of this is to bring You glory.

I can’t see the end. I don’t know how, but You will be lifted up. Men will turn to You. They will know that You alone are God— the only God who delivers men from sin.

It is You who rescues, You who redeems, You who lifts my soul from the grave.

It is You who has set my feet on a firm foundation.

You are God. To You I give my life. To You I offer my worship. My life is in Your hands. There is nowhere I would rather be.

Prayer

O God, I surrender not only my suffering, but my understanding. I place my life, my pain, and my purpose fully into Your hands. Be glorified in me, even here. Amen.

Part III - Honest Prayer

When explanation runs out, prayer remains.

These pieces do not perform spirituality. They speak plainly. They ask to be changed, emptied, purified, and kept. Their honesty is part of their hope.

Here the language of confinement becomes the language of surrender.

A Prayer From Jail

A Prayer From Jail 5/8/2023, 5:30 AM

Father, there’s so much of me that I still need to surrender to you.

I need to surrender my will. Like Much-Afraid in “Hinds Feet on High Places,” it seems that I need to sacrifice my will more than once. It seems to just keep popping up, causing trouble.

So Father, here I am, surrendering my will to you once more.

Accept my sacrifice and consume my will with your holy fire, leaving nothing but ashes to be blown away by the wind.

And Father, remove from me the root of selfish love. Consume that love with your fire as well. Cause the seed of your love, that you have planted in my heart, to flourish and grow. May your love grow within me until I am full of nothing other than you.

As I feed your love within me with your Word, I need you to provide the life-giving water to cause it to grow.

Holy Spirit, live in me. Move in me. Teach me to stay out of your way; to allow you to live and move through me.

That is my victory… You! I will live in victory to the extent that I allow you to live in and through me.

Father use this time to teach and condition me to allow You to reign in me.

Take your place on the throne of my life.

I’m not my own; I have been bought with a price.

Take possession of all that remains of me and prune me. Remove all the branches that bear bad fruit – or no food at all. Cultivate those branches that bear good fruit until I bear good fruit with my whole being.

Oh God, I serve you! I serve none but you.

Take me. I offer myself as a living sacrifice.

May nothing remain in me that isn’t you.

Awaken the new me. Bury the old me in a grave. Hide the location of that grave from me, so I can’t return to dig it back up. I want nothing more to do with the old me.

Another Prayer From Jail

Author’s Note: Written in confinement

6/16/2023

Oh God,

Purge from my mind all my thoughts, dreams, ideas, and fantasies about my future.

Make my thoughts your thoughts. Make my dreams your dreams.

I will follow you. Serve you. Worship you.

I just want to be where you are.

May your holy fire burn away any remnant of me and my sinful nature. Make me like you.

Amen.

A Psalm From Confinement

Conceived in trouble Brought forth in pain Delivered in hope Reared in faith

Consumed by despair No comfort found

Life seemed hopeless But You were there all the time Where could I turn? But You were there all the time

How many times, O Lord? How many times have You shown me And I closed my eyes How many times have You called But I stopped my ears

You’ve surrounded me; You’ve hemmed me in But I shook You off; I chased my sin I groped in darkness unable to win You offered grace again and again

Prayer was lifted The answer was, “Yes”

Come alive in me

• Written in confinement.
• No explanation.
• No defense.
• Just truth.

Part IV - The Mirror

The mirror is painful because it refuses excuses.

These reflections turn inward, not to deepen shame, but to tell the truth. Temptation has patterns. Sin has momentum. Grace has a way of exposing both without letting go.

Here confession becomes clarity, and clarity becomes the beginning of change.

Confession

Author’s note: This is not about how to get forgiven. It’s about learning to live like you already are.

I’m a sinner. I suspect you are, too. As such, we all want and need forgiveness, which thankfully is offered freely through the blood of Jesus.

However, in my life I’m aware that there is a difference between being forgiven and living as though I know I’m forgiven. I still tend to linger in guilt and shame over my transgression long after I’ve been forgiven.

I simply cannot believe that God intends that we continue to carry the burden of our sin after He paid such a price to purchase our freedom.

So I return to Psalm 51.

Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. —Psalm 51:1

David knew a thing or two about forgiveness and freedom. We would do well to consider and follow his example.

He begins by asking for grace. This is important to remember as we progress through this Psalm. David makes some bold pronouncements and requests; but they are all based on the foundation of God’s grace. David understands that he could do nothing to earn God’s favor. He can only trust God to be consistent in His action toward David. He identifies this as grace.

David immediately qualifies this request with:

according to Your lovingkindness; According to the greatness of Your compassion

David is not reminding God of His lovingkindness and compassion. He’s reminding himself.

In our sin, our focus quickly changes from our Father to our failure. We begin to see the whole world through the lens of shame and disappointment. Without immediate correction, we will begin to believe the lie that all is hopelessness and despair.

It seems critical in the confession of our sin to God that we remember Who we are talking to. More importantly, who we are not talking to.

We are not talking to a God who is waiting impatiently for us to realize that we deserve the punishment that is surely headed our way. We are kneeling before a God who patiently waited for us to run to Him so we could be restored.

As Christians, we naturally read this Psalm in the light of Jesus’ sacrifice on our behalf. We must remember that David offered this prayer centuries before Jesus. And it is evident through the rest of David’s writing that he believed his prayers were answered.

That phrase, blot out my transgressions, seems so New Testament.

For me, that is what makes this Psalm so powerful.

The grace, mercy, and forgiveness of God didn’t suddenly appear with the advent of Christ.

God does not change.

We are not walking on new, thin ice when we seek forgiveness and restoration from our Heavenly Father. We are leaning on traits that have been part of God’s character since before time.

God has always been quick to forgive and restore. That’s in His nature. It’s part of who He is.

When we come before God with our confession of sin, we need not be timid or fearful. He is not mad at us.

He is more ready to forgive us than we are to ask.

Stay In your Lane

Author’s Note: Written while incarcerated on 4/20/2023

“For at the window of my house I looked out through my lattice, And I saw among the naive, And discerned among the youths A young man lacking sense,” —Proverbs 7:6-7

In verses 7-9, the writer sees this young man who lacks sense. At first this man is simply

“passing along the street near her corner.”

It seems that he is just flirting with the idea of her. Letting his imagination run free.

But then we see him taking the road to her house in the twilight. His imagination has grown into intent. He is intentionally moving in her direction during the nighttime where they can hide in secrecy.

In verses 10-12, we find that - wonder of wonders - there she is!

Dressed seductively.

And clever.

She uses coarse speech. Bold speech. She makes it clear that she is “open for business.” She has been pursuing him! In the street. At the store. Waiting at the corner. Waiting for him to notice her. Waiting for him to linger near her.

She's just working the bait, waiting for him to bite.

Then in verses 13-21, she jerks the rod and sets the hook.

She holds him. She kisses him. She convinces him that all of this is normal. Nothing out of the ordinary.

She seductively tells him how comfortable he'll be. How pleasant his time with her will be.

She invites him to be intimate with her. She tells him that she wants it as badly as he does. And she convinces him that all is safe.

He won't get caught.

Finally in verses 20-23, “all at once” he follows her.

He is hooked. No escape.

He is now completely under her control. He doesn't realize that she is leading him to destruction.

He follows blindly. But his destruction is certain. There is no other option.

He has started down a steep, slippery slope. At the bottom is death. And he is powerless to stop, or even to change course.

We find in verses 24-27, that his only hope would have been to stay away from her corner in the first place.

He has to remain aware of his surroundings.

He must not allow himself to be in a position where he could mindlessly wander near her corner. Because her wake is littered with the corpses of her victims.

This!

This has been the trap that I have been lured into for over 50 years!

This is the first time I have ever noticed this passage in proverbs. But it is spot on. This is exactly how it happened. Time and again.

Temptation rarely begins with a decision. It begins with a direction.

I rarely got up in the morning with the intention of “acting out.” No! I would find myself foolishly wandering too close to her corner. Then I would be lured in.

God reminded me of the Israelites in the wilderness. And later in the promised land. How they stayed in a similar pattern; they would break God's commandments, God would send discipline, they then cry for deliverance, God rescues them, they celebrate their deliverance and vow to follow him faithfully, only to repeat their folly, and start the process again.

Exactly my life!

I have to find the exit ramp!

The road I've been on always leads me back to the same place. Death.

I've got to get off this road and stay off this road.

I’m reminded of a story:

A man walking down the road, didn’t see the hole and fell in. The man walking down the same road, saw the hole, but still fell in. The man walking down the same road, saw the hole, and went around it. The man walked down a different road.

I believe I found the right exit. It's in pursuing the Kingdom of God with everything I have. But I need help to do it. Lots of help. And I have to take full advantage of the time I have in here to get myself as full of the word of God as possible. I need to establish this habit. And keep the habit for the rest of my life. I have to stay busy with the work of the Kingdom after I’m out.

God himself is my only hope for victory.

Falling Into His Grip

“The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.” —Psalms 37:23-24

My reflection on this passage while in confinement: 4/7/2024

"God does not only pave the path. He guides each and every step to keep me moving in the right direction.

God takes pleasure in every detail about my life.

God sees every detail of my life in the light of eternity.

What may seem like a failed exam to me is only a misused punctuation to Him.

While this season may seem like a total failure to me, in God’s eyes I merely stubbed my toe.

I may feel as though I am lying on my back looking up at the rest of the world, when in reality, God is supporting me as I regain my confidence in His plan and goodness.

God has got this.

We still have eternity before us."

My thoughts today: 2/25/2026

God led me into jail. At the time, it did not feel like grace. But the reality is: God lovingly tore me out of a life that I had refused to walk away from. In leading me to jail, He was setting me free.

If you are in a place that feels like confinement — whether physical, emotional, or spiritual — it may not be evidence of His absence. It may be evidence of His intervention.

It was while incarcerated that I began to experience the truth of His delight in my ways. As I immersed myself in His Word, I began to see the world through different eyes. His eyes. And slowly, He showed me how He sees me. Not as I appear in the mirror, but how I fit in eternity. I am His child. His creation. And He loves me. Far more completely than I love my children.

When I fell, I was injured, but I wasn’t destroyed. Instead, God used the occasion of my fall to give me new life. A different kind of life. A forward-looking, optimistic, faith-led life.

And you are not destroyed either. The fall may feel final in the moment. This is where Psalm 37 becomes personal. The fall is not fatal when Jesus is holding your hand.

God did not abandon me when it seemed to me that all was lost.

Instead, He held me close and allowed me to finally experience true freedom — from behind bars.

God’s leading is not as a guide walking ahead of me. It’s not even as a friend walking beside me. But as a loving Father, gently holding my hand. Both for guidance and for comfort.

Maybe you have been looking for God far out ahead of you — waiting for a sign in the distance. But what if He is closer than that? What if He has never let go of your hand?

And together, we will make it home.

If you are lying on your back today — ashamed, confused, or afraid — look up. You may discover that you have not been hurled headlong after all. You may find that the hand still holding yours is the same hand that created you, and calls you His child.

Part V - Awakening

Awakening rarely arrives as a single moment.

It grows through surrender, through the reordering of desire, and through the discovery that God Himself is the treasure. What once felt like deprivation becomes invitation.

These pages trace that change in vision as longing is slowly taught where to rest.

Lesson From Much-Afraid

Author’s Note: Written while incarcerated.

5/8/2023, 12:15 PM

I finished “Hind’s Feet on High Places,” by Hannah Hurnard this morning. I don't think I have ever longed for a book to continue like this one. Reading the book this time through was such an awakening experience. Never have I seen myself so clearly in Much-Afraid’s journey. God opened my eyes to so many truths as I made my way through the pages.

Chief of all, is the realization that God is not particularly interested in fixing all my problems and shortcomings. In fact, that has been my problem all along. I have often gone to him with this shortcoming or that sin and asked him to fix me. And while he has, from time to time, addressed my perceived need; I've never been able to experience real victory. That's because his call is much greater. He doesn't want this or that from me; he wants all of me—a total transformation—a new me!

I realized last night that what he has been calling me to, is total surrender.

Throughout my life, I have surrendered some of every area of my life to Him, but I've never given all of any area of my life to him. I have always withheld parts of my will, my marriage, my children, my finances, my dreams, and so much more. What He has been calling me to all along is to offer myself in sacrifice to him. He has given me a new name - a new identity. And while I have taught and preached about it, I have never allowed him to actually work the change in me that would allow me to grow into my new name.

The first step for me is surrendering my will.

This is hard for me. I've attempted it before.

After failure in the past, I have thrown my hands up and declared, “This is impossible!”

Well not anymore! I will surrender my will daily - as many times a day as necessary - until my will has been replaced by his.

I have lamented about my addiction.

I've used the addiction as an excuse for so much sinful behavior.

I've blamed God for not removing it from me. I now wonder if it is not a special love gift from God; A sharp nail that secures me to him, so that I can never want - or dare - to go it on my own again.

This will be a long journey - the rest of my life. But it's a journey that I happily embrace. I know that whatever he leads me to or through, is just the next step of my growing into my new identity. And I desperately want to grow into my new identity.

I know now why he impressed on my heart that I was a new man back in March. It's because that is what He calls me! That's what He sees in me.

My love for Him grows every day. And because I love Him, the greatest desire in my heart is to be the man He sees.

With His help, I will be that man!

Finding the Treasure

“The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” —Matthew 13:44

For years I thought I understood God's love. I knew the right answer to check on the ‘What is God Like’ test, but I didn’t really understand it in my heart. At some point, I came to realize that God leads me according to His plan, not mine.

I realized that for most of my life I had been approaching God on my own terms; offering only what was easy for me to let go of. I don't know that I had ever really surrendered all of me to him. There's always been a part of me that I held back - the root of my addiction. I don't know exactly why. Maybe because it had been with me for so long it had just become comfortable. I would confess and repent because I was afraid of the results of my sin; not because it kept me from God.

I wanted his forgiveness more than I wanted Him.

My focus had always been more on my wife and the effect my addiction had on her. I must turn my full attention to him and pursue and follow him. Then he can take care of everything else.

Like the man who found the pearl,

“When [he] found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.”

I have never given that kind of value to the Kingdom of heaven. I have danced around his blessing, forgiveness, grace, and gifts … but I've never simply found myself seeking him. I feel like I have always been the seed that was thrown among the thorns,

“And the one on whom seed was sown among the thorns, this is the man who hears the word, and the worry of the world and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.” —Matthew 13:22

I wanted just as much of God as was comfortable while I continued chasing other things.

Like God was filling my cup with Himself, but I've kept adding other “things” to the cup - leaving less room for Him.

This happens so slowly - inch by inch - that I don't even notice the change until some crisis occurs that opens my eyes to my condition and I start the process all over again. Only to end up in another crisis. It's been a never ending, frustrating cycle.

This has become the focus of my prayer. That God would help me to direct my focus wholly on Him. I confess that this was something that I just couldn't do on my own. I need God to lead me to himself.

This has introduced a peace that I’ve not known before.

God is my Pearl of great prize. God is my reason to be sober. God is my reason to live tomorrow. My only reason.

The greatest thing that I can have on earth is God Himself.

He is my greatest treasure.

Now my challenge is to “seek first the Kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 6:33) every day for the rest of my life.

It's You

“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill And to Your dwelling places.” —Psalm 43:3

The cry of my heart is that God would lead me.

I confess that not only do I not know where I am going, I don’t really know where I should go. And if I’m honest, I don’t know where I want to go.

I learned years ago that God’s plans are not my plans. His plan is always better.

For example, there was a time as a young adult when I would have told you that I was going to be a professional musician. Music would define the rest of my life. I played in bands. I practiced diligently. I was on my way…

During that time, I volunteered with my church’s youth group. It was fun. I felt like I was helping a little. Teenagers seemed to respond to me. But if you had suggested that I pursue that as a vocation, I would have laughed in your face.

Yet that is exactly where I wound up—a Youth Director at a local church. I backed into the role. I wasn’t looking for it. But I soon discovered that I absolutely loved it. I told my friends that the church was paying me to do the only job in the world I would have done for free.

I experienced a level of personal fulfillment that I had not known before. And I learned that God had prepared me to be effective in that role.

That experience taught me that God knows me better than I know myself. Since He made me, only He truly knows what I will ultimately find satisfying. Only He knows what He has planned for my future; so only He knows how to prepare me for it.

So today, I pray, “Lead me.”

Today’s verse shines a brighter light on this “leading:”

“Let them bring me to Your holy hill And to Your dwelling places.” —Psalm 43:3

The Psalmist’s prayer is essentially, “Lead me to You.”

It’s difficult to think in terms of eternity, but that’s where so many Psalms lead.

I tend to pray only about the future that I can see. Or on good days, the future that is just beyond my view. But God is not limited to my view. He sees the whole picture—beginning, middle, and eternal future.

Could it be that all of these seemingly unanswered prayers have already been answered within His view?

After all, His goal for me stretches so far beyond anything that I can imagine. I pray for “things.” Results. Answers that I can hold. Visualize.

But His goal for me is Him!

If I want to find lasting peace, I must align my goals with His. I know this means offering my goals and dreams as a sacrifice on His altar. It means my life probably won’t turn out the way I’ve envisioned.

But I lack the capacity to see the future God has planned.

Just as He led me from chasing a musical career, He has redirected me repeatedly throughout my life. Each change in direction has worked to lead me closer to Him. I’ve learned to trust His plan—because His plan is perfect.

The Psalmist prays that God will lead him to God Himself.

So today, I start a new prayer.

“Lord, lead me to You.”

Part VI - New Sight

By the final movement, the field of vision has changed.

God is nearer. Creation feels larger. The self feels smaller and yet more loved. Prayer is steadier. Providence is no longer an abstract doctrine but a lived reality.

These closing reflections look outward with new sight because they have first been taught how to look upward.

God is Listening

“I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me and heard my cry.” —Psalm 40:1

I have read this Psalm on the tenth day of most months for the last forty years or so. That is well over four hundred times. Yet how many times have I read it and missed the beauty of this verse?

One of the things I love about the Bible is how God hides these jewels throughout His Word. We only find them when we slow down. When we “meditate in” Scripture.

As I linger over this Psalm, I begin to read it out of order:

“My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to see; They are more numerous than the hairs of my head, And my heart has failed me.” —Psalm 40:12

Many times this has described my desperation as I’ve cried out in prayer. Too often I’ve waited until my folly has gotten out of hand to turn my focus back to God. In these moments it’s easy to feel like my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. Like God can’t hear — or isn’t listening. He seems distant. Unapproachable. I begin to feel alone. Cut off. It is so easy to give up and stop praying.

David sheds more light on this condition in verse 2 when he confesses that he had been in:

“the pit of destruction.”

The Hebrew imagery here is quite distinctive. What David is referring to is having fallen into a deep, narrow hole, with the bottom filled with thick, sticky mud. The image is of one who is slipping and sinking, unable to climb out — and all the while surrounded by loud chaos and ruin.

Verses 2 and 12, taken together, speak of a desperation that can find no relief.

I’ve been there. In the midst of the fear and noise, there is a very real temptation to give up — to simply relax and allow the mud to swallow me.

But then I am reminded of verse 1:

“I waited patiently for the LORD.”

I stop clawing at the sides. I stop trying to climb out. Instead, I simply hold on and turn my focus away from the pit and toward my Savior. I cry out to Him.

Instead of seeing His back — as if He were going to ignore me and leave me in my pitiful condition —

I see His ear!

This imagery — for a Hebrew reader — was unmistakable.

In their culture, you bow before kings. The king will never bow before you. To fail to humble yourself in the presence of a king could mean death. This was an etiquette that everyone understood.

Yet David describes God as “inclining.” That means leaning in — something a king would never do. Paying close attention. Listening closely so He does not miss the meaning of what is being said. It brings to mind our posture after we say, “Wait… say that again.”

David sees God actively listening — and hearing.

What an amazing jewel! God doesn’t simply hear our prayers — in the sense that He is merely aware that we are praying. He listens intently. He doesn’t miss a single word.

In fact, our Heavenly Father listens beyond our words to the cry of our hearts.

Because David is certain that God is paying close attention, he can boldly pray:

“Since I am afflicted and needy, Let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God.” —Psalm 40:17

And David is confident of God’s response…

“He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.” —Psalm 40:2–3

Amen.

Not So Small After All

“When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, And the son of man that You care for him?” —Psalm 8:3-4

6/8/2024 (Written in confinement)

You didn’t just scatter the stars as a farmer scatters seed. You put each star in its place and called it by name. Not only that, but all the physical laws and forces that currently operate were already fully functioning. You had already worked out nuclear fusion and fission, magnetic forces, orbits, rotations, chemical reactions, mathematical formulas, neurons, electrons, quarks, black holes, emotions, communication, love, choice, life, and death.

Nothing was accidental. Everything was created or made with purpose. Everything that exists has a reason for existing.

While You alone are the undisputed star of this magnificent show, man is the object of Your affections. You created man and gave him abilities beyond any other creature. To man You gave the desire and ability to worship. You reach out to man and call him to Yourself. You reveal that all creation draws and directs man to You. You have given man every reason to rely on, look to, trust in, love, and worship You.

You speak to man. You call him by a name that only You know. When we submit to You, You change us. You transform us from a purely material-minded being into a spiritual being who can live in communion with You. You make us look much more like You. You become our very reason to live. And when we die, we are with You for all eternity.

Hallelujah!

“They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” —Lamentations 3:23

The Big Picture

Written as a letter to a friend in 2010, this reflection comes from a season when I understood God’s providence more clearly than I understood my own fragility. I leave it unchanged as a witness—not to certainty, but to faith as it was held then.

The LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered My servant Job? For there is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil.” —Job 1:8

The Big Picture

I started reading Job today.

This is not the first time I've read Job though I'll confess that I’ve never much enjoyed the read. I've always found the long speeches confusing and hard to follow. However; something struck me today that I'd never thought of before while reading Job. Neither Job nor his friends knew what was happening while it was happening. The first two chapters give us insight that the "stars" of the story didn't have. We see that while Job was losing EVERYTHING, God was painting on a canvas that was bigger than Job or his friends (or his wife) could see.

As I pondered this reality throughout the morning, a bigger picture began to emerge.

When God slaughtered an innocent animal in the Garden to make clothes for Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:21), He was painting on a canvas that was bigger than what they could see.

When God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac (Genesis 22:2), He was painting on a canvas that was bigger than either of them could see.

When Moses fled to Midian (Exodus 2:15), God was painting on a canvas that was bigger than Moses could see.

When Sampson told Delilah the secret to his strength (Judges 16:17), God was painting on a canvas that was bigger than either of them could see.

When Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery (Genesis 37:28); when David should have been "off to war" (2 Samuel 11:1); "In the year that King Uzziah died" (Isaiah 6:1); when Mary was engaged to be married to Joseph (Matthew 1:18); when Judas betrayed Jesus (Luke 22:4); God was painting on a canvas that was bigger than they could see.

When I was fired from two different churches, God was painting on a canvas that was bigger than what I could see.

While I stood on our National Lawn with nearly 1,000,000 other Promise Keepers – committing to be more faithful in my walk, my marriage, and my ministry – God was painting on a canvas that was bigger than what I could see.

There have been times when God has lifted the veil to allow a glimpse of a portion of His painting. When Isaiah got a glimpse, he fell down as a dead man. When John got a glimpse, he fell down as a dead man. Many prophets were murdered when they spoke of what they saw.

Apparently, the Big Picture is far bigger than anything we can see – at least if we hope to survive!

From time to time, God allows us a glimpse of the unfinished picture that is our lives – past, present or future – when it suits His purposes to do so. But these glimpses are few and far between. And we will never see the full picture – this side of heaven, at least.

God has a plan. A perfect plan. And we – you and I – are part of that plan. We may never fully understand that plan before we die.

He moves us from one place to another – leading us, teaching us, breaking us, building us up...all the while loving us with an unconditional love. Working His perfect plan.

So we are left to live out our faith with nothing more than faith in His Word, and the assurance that whatever we are experiencing – whether laughter or tears; joy or pain; wealth or want; success or failure – God is painting on a canvas that is bigger than we can see.

He is in control. And He is never surprised by what happens in our lives.

I pray that this truth will soak into your soul and usher into your spirit the peace that surpasses understanding.