When Desire Becomes a Death Trap

Adolescence didn't slow the spiral—it accelerated it.

By high school, acting out had become a daily ritual. Fantasies fueled by magazines, memories, and stories kept me hungry. And high school offered new fuel: girls who were just as curious, just as broken, just as eager to explore.

It started innocently enough—go steady, see how far I could go. But when one girl had had enough, I moved on. I wasn't looking for love. I was looking for access. And each encounter became another rung in the spiral.

I'd act out.

Feel guilt.

Cry out for forgiveness.

Promise to stop.

Then do it again.

Eventually, I found a girl willing to go all the way. And even that didn't satisfy. It only deepened the fantasy. The acting out. The shame. The cycle.

Fear of pregnancy. Fear of getting caught. Conviction of sin. None of it could break the grip.

We broke up—and so did my heart. But I didn't grieve. I medicated. Another girl. Then another. And on and on it went.

Then something shifted. A spiritual stirring. A hunger for God. I started reading my Bible. Leading in youth group. Seeking righteousness. Matthew 6:33 became my anchor: "Seek first His kingdom…"

But even as I pressed into God, the spiral didn't stop.

It just got quieter.

More deceptive.

More spiritual.

I couldn't admire a girl without objectifying her. I couldn't separate beauty from lust. I had stopped seeing souls. I only saw parts.

By graduation, I was in a full-on tailspin.

I didn't know it yet.

But God did.

Biblical Parallel: David and Bathsheba

2 Samuel 11–12: The Spiral of a King

David was a man after God's own heart.

He wrote psalms. Led armies. Loved God.

But one evening, he saw her.

Bathsheba. Beautiful. Bathing.

And he didn't look away.

He sent for her. Slept with her.

She became pregnant.

So he covered it up.

Then he killed her husband.

The spiral was swift.

Desire.

Deception.

Destruction.

And David, the worshiper, became David, the manipulator.

Until Nathan came.

Until truth pierced the spiral.

Until David broke.

"Against You, and You only, have I sinned," he cried in Psalm 51.

He didn't blame Bathsheba.

He didn't justify.

He repented.

And God forgave him.

Reflection: The Spiral Isn't the End

Addiction doesn't start with darkness.

It starts with desire.

Desire that becomes distorted.

Distortion that becomes deception.

Deception that becomes destruction.

But the spiral isn't the end.

It's the place where grace waits.

David's story didn't end in shame.

It ended in surrender.

And mine can too.

Yours can too.

God doesn't abandon us in the spiral.

He enters it.

He speaks truth into it.

He offers mercy through it.

Invitation: Name Your Spiral

Where are you spiraling?

What desire has become distortion?

Write it down.

Confess it.

Not to punish yourself—but to break the silence.

Then pray David's prayer:

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)

Because the spiral doesn't have to end in shame.

It can end in surrender.